Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
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Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
i meant to share this earlier
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.