My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
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Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
Social distancing in Australia:
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.