tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
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I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here