My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
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I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?