a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
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I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please