i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
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jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
rich people when they have to pay taxes
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.