me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
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I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?