Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
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[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
Never be a pizza!
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect