No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
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Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
*cough*
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
podcasts
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶