Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
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I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
some things should go without saying
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name