Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
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date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
This made me chuckle cuz mood
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.