Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
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If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys