“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
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our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
Perfection.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
Fidel Castro was alive?
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not