Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
You Might Also Like
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
me when I see my crush
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines