i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
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I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
Guilty! 🤪
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Happy Taco Tuesday
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.