Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
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Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
This will never not be funny to me.
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.