Saint West, the patron of selfies
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Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64