If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
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BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
Alexa: *deep breath*
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.