I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
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(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
March 16
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅