My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
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You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
You have been warned.
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.