Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
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You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
some Old Testament wisdom
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.