“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
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I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
do horses think humans are hats
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
the only organized thing in my life is crime
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?