SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
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I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
*power walks to the refrigerator*
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…