Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
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Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
How to draw a duck
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob