When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
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If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
Trains are just sideway elevators.
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*