Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
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Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.