Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
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What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
WHY would you be happy about this?
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
Sex so good you see dead people.
real
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
i have one speed and it’s mosey
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha