The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
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me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
me: my friends:
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.