Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
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My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
thank god
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
This meeting could have been a cake
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.