PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
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If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.