“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
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Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
At Walmart during the holidays like..
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
Weirdos gonna weird.
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.