Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
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I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
Me when my alarm goes off
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement