Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
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Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.