I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
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Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.