I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
You Might Also Like
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
I have never related to a cat more
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
this is the news I live for
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again