No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
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I like long walks away from everyone
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
Holy crap this is wonderful
figuring out my emotional availability:
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
Just say no
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?