My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
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I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
a god among men
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.