My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
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[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
this is the best interaction on twitter
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.