My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
You Might Also Like
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*