Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
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“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
whatcha thinkin bout
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe