If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
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I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
A Short Story.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.