There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
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Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
Taco Bell, Exit 22
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.