2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
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Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
U talkin 2 me?
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
Always a metermaid never a meter
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
tourist season
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
is this how new cars are made??
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.