The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
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Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
This could be us but you eatin’
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people