Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
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I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
Scream sneezers need love too.
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
this came to me in a vision
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”