new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
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[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!