me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
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100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.