Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
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Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
Plumber: I think I found the problem
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it