next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
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I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
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I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???