If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
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“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
what’s more important?
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?